Lyrics:
Scrape these barnacles
I am whole again
finally purified
or whatever that means
put your back in it
they laid their roots deep within the pain
free me
free me
from their teeth
but dont cut too deep

Scrape these barnacles
i am utterly yours
take my lack of control
and swallow it whole
break my excuses to leave
over your boney knees
and scrub the sweat away
make me clean

please pull the bad dreams out of me

Scrape these barnacles
i am utterly yours
take my lack of control
and swallow it whole
break my excuses to leave
over your boney knees and
free me
free me
free me
free me
i am utterly yours

 

Let me tell you a story. I made the long journey back from Montana to Idaho a few a days ago. I left the house at 10 am to go to Walmart and get my oil changed. They were morons, and screwed up my car. Fortunately I was able to figure out the problem and get on the road, about three hours later than I planned. Then, after the Walmart experience, I was too stressed out to eat any lunch. Then, I didn’t pack any snacks for the road. That was my first mistake. I headed out on the road, and realized when I got to Dillon that I was hungry. Well, I was in a rush to get home, so I didn’t stop for food. That was the first mistake. I finally made it to my destination, Idaho. When I stepped in the front door of my apartment, I was unbelievably angry. After a long drive, I probably should have figured that would happen. Then, for some reason I went to Walmart. That was the third mistake. I walked in feeling angry, and the longer I was there, the feelings of anger began to grow at an alarming rate. Everything and everyone pissed me off. Of course there were displays of dorm stuff everywhere, since everyone was coming back to school that weekend. These displays pissed me off. Why? I can’t really explain. Then every human being I saw pissed me off. I saw a guy who looked like The Situation from Jersey Shore, and I wanted to punch him in his abdominal muscles, and maybe even in the testicles. People crowdied the aisles, and one of them had a loud and extremely obnoxious ringtone. I felt like ripping the stupid phone out of his stupid hands and breaking it in half. I wanted to destroy the displays of plastic bins, and kick and puch everything off the shelves. I was a ball of rage. An irrational ball of rage. I thought to myself, maybe I’m pmsing, I checked my calander, and that was not the case. Until I realized that maybe I was hungry. Yes, that was the reason. A combination of very little sleep and low blood sugar was the source of all my angst. For some reason, a person(who will remain nameless) called the house at four in the g d morning just to be a douche, and I had a hard time getting back to sleep.

Now, after figuring out was wrong, I decided that the most rational thing to do was to go to the grocery store, and get some food. I walked around aimlessly trying to find something to eat, and due to the severe mind fog and rage, I couldn’t decide what to buy. So I left, flipping off every person in my path. In my mind. “F*^% you Broulims!” I thought, and drove away.

I then decided to just go through the McDonalds drive through and get a McChicken and a large caffinated beverage. The drive through had two lanes. Some asshole cut me off, and I was pissed. The guy who took my order, didn’t hear the last thing that I said, and so I corrected him. Very rudely. I pulled up to the first window, the guy takes my money and says, “Have a nice night!” I say to him, ” You too, NOT!” Once again, this was only in my mind. I drove away. Apparently I do. Finally I got home and ate the food, which made me feel queasy, as McDonalds usually does. After a while of waiting for the blood sugar to rise, and unwinding in my own apartment, I felt better and was able to unpack all my stuff.

I regret nothing.

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Winter time kicks my ass every year, and I’ll tell you why. Have you ever heard of a little thing called SAD, or Seasonal Affective Disorder? For those of you who haven’t heard of it,  here are some of the symptoms:

  • depression
  • increased sleep
  • loss of energy and ability to concentrate
  • loss of interest in work or other activities
  • social withdrawal

These are pretty much the symptoms of clinical depression, and in all actuality Seasonal Affective Disorder is it’s own form of depression. So, what is the point of all of this, you ask? Well, during  the winter, because of the lack of natural sunlight and being susceptible to depression anyway, I fall apart.  Every year it’s like clock work. You would think that after living in Montana and Idaho for most of my life, I would be used to shitty winters, but it’s the same thing every time. Usually around the fall, I think to myself, “Self, this year it’s going to be different. I’m going to go tanning, take my vitamins, work out, and get a hobby.” By November these resolutions have gone down the toilet, and I’m done for.

I’ve pushed away friends and family members, suffered academically and in my work life, and lost a lot of great opportunities because of all this. The thing I feel the worst about, are the friends that I have pissed off. When I slip into a depression, I tend to disappear. Even though I have lost some friends over my inability to keep in contact,  fortunately, I do have some very supportive people in my life who totally understand, and don’t hold it against me.

Here’s the thing about depression that most people don’t understand. It just happens, and it has nothing to do with willpower or attitude. Sometimes there’s just some wacky things going on with chemicals in the brain. Did you know that 1 in 10 people report having had depression at one point in their life? I can’t count how many times people have told me that I just need to exercise more, eat more bananas, take more vitamins, read my scriptures, pray harder, or just will myself to change my emotions. Every time I get this spiel, I just want to punch those morons in the throat and flip them the bird as I run away. I’ve never done this in real life, but you better believe in my mind it happens all the time. I mean, I guess those things can be helpful, but how the deuce are you supposed to get to the point where you can function normally, if you don’t even have the willpower to get out of bed before noon, or the  attention span to watch a movie, or read even a paragraph in a book? A lot of the time unless someone has experienced depression personally, or have seen someone close to them suffer from it, they just don’t get it. And people who don’t get it have no right to judge, or give advice about something they have no idea about.

I don’t know why I decided to share this much on the internet for all to see, but I just feel like maybe someone needs to hear this. It’s not your fault the chemicals in your brain are going haywire. It just happens, and anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is an idiot. Depression sucks, and eventually it will get better, but sometimes you just have to ride it out until you can feel good again. Don’t beat yourself up, and take advantage of the things that will help you feel better like therapy, medication and the support of your friends and family.  And the most important thing, don’t let the man get you down!

Hey everyone! I hope you all are doing well, making seasons bright, and eating lots of Christmas goodies. I am in Montana for the next week or so and I am loving every second. At least I’m trying to. For those you who have family members who are alcoholics, you know that sometimes, in the words of my dear brothers, “the holidays blow,” or something like that. This has been a rough holiday season for my family, but we are doing what we can to make the most of it and enjoy the time that we have together.

Here’s a list of some of the fun things we have been doing the last week of so:

  • making many stops at the gas station down the street from my childhood home, for some seriously cheap Mountain Dew
  • watching all of the seasons of The Office
  • crocheting buckets and buckets of hats
  • finding humor in the small things
  • cleaning like there’s no tomorrow
  • baking Christmas goodies

Anyway, the point is that no matter where you are, what you are doing, or what the circumstances, I hope that everyone has a Merry Christmas!

Happy Birthday Baby Jesus!

UPDATE: All I want for Christmas is… bronchitis?! Yes, it’s true, I have bronchitis. Hopefully I will feel better by the time school starts in a few weeks!

 

Today was a great. It was one of those days where you get a glimpse into how God sees you. Every once in a while it’s nice to realize how special we all really are.

“The worth of souls is great in the eyes of God.”

Oh, and Celeste! Hi! This one is for you 🙂

The Lion King

Sometimes I wish I could turn back the hands of time, and do things differently. I think of the times I could have been a little more kind, a little less bitter, and thought more about others instead of myself. When I think about it too much, it makes me really sad. But, what’s done is done, and there’s no point dwelling on what happened in the past instead of thinking about my present reality.  Fortunately, I have the opportunity to start over every day and be a little better than the day before. I guess that’s just a part of growing up.

I’ve been sucked into the Hunger Games craze. I never thought this would happen to me… It’s almost worse than the time that I got sucked into the Twilight craze, except not even close. I promised myself I would never watch The Hunger Games movie, or read the books. Out of boredom I went to the dollar theater and watched the movie, because it was free popcorn day, and well.. the only other option was to watch The Lorax. It turns out that the movie was pretty good, and the book was even better. Oh the shame!

true story!